Therapy as Alchemy

I am humble and confident. I am sensitive and aggressive. I am educated and wild. I am peaceful and chaotic. I am an introvert and love to be seen. I am ocd level organized and spontaneous. I am rational and deeply intuitive. I am controlling and freely creative. I am shy and loud. I am meticulous and silly. I am strict and forgiving. I am, as any Leo, always right and do things that are wrong. I am a creature of habit and get easily bored. I am extremely impulsive and overthink. I am bold and anxious. I am rigid and free. I am very motherly and distant. I am silent and opinionated. I am independent and clingy. I am an empath and brutally honest. I am funny and sarcastic. I am loving and firm with my boundaries. I am sad and euphoric. I am soft and fierce. There was a time when I felt my body get tight with the burden of having to choose a certain identity and lifestyle. Each time this still happens I tell my inner critic: thanks, I got this. The inner child that holds shame got confus...

  I got all this life in my backyard. The trees that grow incredibly fast. This spreading green everywhere. The cats that pop out of nowhere and have these intense battles with each other. Hiding and then attacking like the mf that they are. Climbing the trees for safety from the enemy. Bringing alieveness through their strategically designed kitty wars. Resting in the sun while almost having this serious and important role of showing us the essential things in life. Small insects and tiny animals. Brave survivors of the kitty mouths. I got some big rocks. You should see how beautiful they are. They play their role with grace. The nurturing sun that fuels us with life. I get to meet him here. This willow with her superhero moves of growing in 3 years in such a way that she became the tallest of them all. Showing how progress is such a personal thing. Oh, those tall and noble bamboo trees surrounding the house. Providing this gentle armour. Tiny plants creating their own forests in ...

  What the Hell is this new Way? Becoming your Savior. With the mumbling that awakens with enemy at the gates. You feel the children awaken. The pot is definitely on fire. It could burn the house down. It could burn the whole damn country. If it could stop there. It’s not scary at all. It’s just a fact. Someone attacking my family. Hey, might be game time. Nothing is above my inner children. Not one thing. God only and even he becomes a team player. Now it’s game time. You hear them say: “But Mommy should protect us.” New Mommy in town. And Daddy. Divinity itself. They immediately trust. Even giggle about how good it feels. To be nurtured like that. To be wholly loved. That’s just Holy love. They just know. It just is. The promised land.

  It comes more naturally to me to write from feeling pure sadness, confusion and all those twisted uncomfortable emotions. They just make sense, my inner parts find them familiar. Natural means familiar. Simple concept. But today was about something else. I think it's joy and fulfillment. Some call it being in alignment. Translating this here is definitely tricky. What I know is that if I listened to my mind I would have never led a group in my life. Because of so many reasons. And not even very complex ones, mostly fear of being seen, need of validation, fear of judgment. The usual mess that our minds so effectively deliver. To keep us safe. Thank you mind. What's next? But there was a time that I worked in groups while I studied psychodrama. Through all of the discomfort of an introverted person I could feel there was something precious there. A type of energy only groups could create. A force of nature. Beyond any logic or explanation. It held you and transformed you. Group...

"It came to me in a dream." A regular statement in my life. "This just feels right." Shows up even more often. I get so much guidance lately. A while ago, I committed to listening. Lean into life. Relax into the Self. Obey the Truth. A form of surrender. It's so bumpy for the mind. Sometimes I feel it scream, objecting so strongly, with all the old reasons. Sometimes I feel parts of me want to cry while witnessing the things I decide to follow. They squeeze my eyes and press my chest. Yet the body doesn't obey so easily anymore. He is also learning to trust. Shedding old identities while nurturing my inner parts feels like a dance. The best performance I ever gave.

It's still hard for me to stay in the in between. Where I feel that nothing happens. Yet nothing stands still at all. If I tune in I sense the shifting and movement that never stops. The guidance, the pull, the knowing. Yet parts of me want to see the cake on the platter. And eat it too. No baking needed. No time to spare. No energy to waste. What if we run out? Of everything. The mindset of scarcity creeps in so easily in the in between. That old voice that's so familiar yet just doesn't feel right. We have one that's older. The clear, strong one. Now I have this dance of tunning in again and again. And the pull is getting stronger and stronger.

       Parents are just people with imperfect childhoods.     I’ve seen parents being dissected in therapy so many times. We try to understand the roots of our own unhealthy behavior so we return to the environment that shaped us. We usually find there 2 people who did a lot of mistakes through their behavior or their absence. While this is an important step in the healing journey, I think there are many benefits in seeing parents as they truly are: imperfect people.     While looking at trauma is natural to explore the nature and source of that said trauma. Often, it’s the parents. Their lack of love, nurture, care and even abuse. Yet this goes further back, it stems from their own history.   Not being able to see this brings us a lot of suffering, anger, guilt.    It’s such a huge relief to understand that they do have a history that shaped them. It’s that understanding that releases a lot of guilt that any child carries o...

     This list might come in handy when you are in some kind of discomfort and want to take small steps to improve your mood. If you are able to do more than one of these, even better.    Breathe in, breathe out and start where you can.   1.       Praying. Talk to your God or Divine energy. Use a mala or just put your hands close to your heart and go inside for a while. 2.       Drink a cup of tea. Plants are medicine. Use them. 3.       Sunbathing. If the sun is hiding just go outside and spend time in the fresh air for a while. 20 minutes per day in natural light are vital for our wellbeing. 4.       Drink something that you consider healthy. A fruit and veggie smoothie, a wheatgrass drink. Anything you feel that your body needs. 5.       Breathing exercises. It’s impossible to be anxious if you are breathing de...

  I usually skip reading the introduction, so here it goes:   1.   The Bullet Journal Method    I am talking about the book, but more about actually applying it. The fact that I am typing this article right now is because while using this journaling method I became more aware about what actually mattered to me. (As a traumatized child, it was even more difficult for me to be able to identify my needs and desires.) I was looking for a tool that would help me have a well-structured yet also pretty journal that I would actually like to use. While seeing people writing in their journal, I was aware there are some benefits in this process. As a therapist I knew most of them, yet I lacked the experience. It seems that it can be fun, it can be pretty yet also useful. A journal can become a safe space, a non-judgemental friend and anything you like to make out of it. It should be a witness to your life. I personally use it for: daily logs (most days), weekly and mont...

Where is connection made? Is it in the brain? Cause I hear them thoughts about you. Not normal ones, but you know... I could even write them here for you. But the world doesn ’t need to know them I should forget them too. The mind is loud and tricky. I don’t think she’s got a clue. Is it in the hands? They feel like they always knew. Cause they get touchy, And grabby and huggy around you. They travel and travel, always exploring anew. These are some good tools for sharing my care for you. When the world makes you dizzy, they’re a safe place to fall. But those places we’ve seen. Don’t need bodies at all. Is it in the heart? Nah. We shouldn’t even look. Most poets searched for it there, Some writers, even a doctor or two. Such silly men. They got so confused. Although it’s quite obvious and simple: Hearts keep bodies running, Yet souls keep the world fueled. I think I get it. Connection is timeless. Spaceless. You’re everywhere, are...

It's not the steps that led me to you that brought me this joy. It's the sight of my soul. It's him. It's not you, boy. Cause I lost him...or no, they pushed it away. And I didn't know what was missing each time that I prayed. And his space was quite big even if we were small When he fell on the street, barely knowing to crawl. He got lost. I got too. He felt nothing. I wished to. He was walking beside me Trying to grab my hand, While I was looking for him in the chest of a man. Funny story about those places I've seen. Some were screaming, some bleeding, some fighting with greed. But each had at least a conflict or two. Some got addicted. Almost got me hooked too. In the end it got messy. No use figuring out. Who's the bad, who's the good guy. They all got scrambled now. The good ones got bitter, the blue ones got sad. The fragile got broken and the sane ones got mad. So she left looking for something that was there all along. Trying t...

Don’t let hedonism rule your life. Give it its space, respect it and celebrate it. While also being focused, organized and pragmatic during your day-to-day life. Understand what hedonism is. Read, research and try to understand the complexity and beauty of this topic. Explore your hedonism. Experiment and choose the things from which you can get pleasure. Even if your passions are peculiar, learn to accept and love them anyway. Look deeper into the things you get pleasure from. Understand the real reason why you enjoy a certain thing and not another. Try to choose the things you truly enjoy in a healthy manner and gradually exclude the things that only feed your ego or have more negative aspects than benefits. Hedonism should bring pleasure and joy and not disrupt your balance. After choosing some areas of interest try to explore them further and enjoy every step of the way. Hedonism is not about the result, it’s about the process. Don’t get too attached to the things you e...

Step no 1.  Forgive the darkness. It is as greedy as the light.  Forgive the darkness in you. And in others.  Step no. 2 Be a Phoenix. Die at least once. Then choose to rise and blossom in a totally different way. Step no 3. Be grateful. Nothing is ever lost and you are never alone. Anyone who's ever loved you or was kind to you, old lovers, ancestors, long gone or still unknown...all wait for you to call them. They can give you guidance, support and remind you of what you are. Can you feel them now? Step no. 4. Let yourself go. Let yourself flow. Live effortlessly. It will all come to you. The mountain is ready to move, for you are the sun. Let it happen. Step no. 5. Close your eyes. Breathe. Meet God. Smile when you remember everything. Come back. Enjoy this ride. Step no. 6. Stand still. Shut up for a while. There is so much more than you can see. Let the pieces of the puzzle fit so perfectly. Step no. 7. Don't forget you created wonderland for yourself. No...

We all have trust issues And had a dad who died. You are not that special, You don’t get to cry. We all got that childhood Don’t ask us how it went. It surely wasn’t pretty Though we like to play pretend. We all were way to fragile When people that we loved Colapsed before our bare feet And asked us for support. And how could we support them When we had just arrived Not knowing what this world was Or how to stay alive. And now we meet, two strangers Trying to figure out Who has the biggest baggage Who has it figured out. Comparing scars and bruises, Who got the best abuse. It’s like a competition Still no one is amused. Cause we forgot to laugh, dear When mother called us home Only to tell us dad left Leaving us all alone. And we forgot to dance straight From that night, on that stage. When loved ones fought death Without a lucky hand. But we need to remember So we can stay alive. I’ll teach you ...

There’s a piece of me you are not able to see. It’s hard to grasp or describe, sometimes even for me. But it’s real, it’s alive. It’s still blooming each day. The whole world might be blind. It still grows either way. Defies all logic and time. Even space or context. Has a life of it’s own. And I bow to her grace. I might fail, make mistakes, say the wrong words sometimes. But she is strong, brave and kind. Proud and flawless. She shines. Makes me humble to feel how a fragile young thing Could gain such a power, overcome any need. She has nothing to prove. She’s just noble and clean. She is whole, brave and strong. Even sees through your lies. She sees everything clear with eyes closed at all times.  Still there’s one thing to learn. That we are just one piece. There is no one more strong. There is no part that’s weak. Stupid mind breaks us up. I am her. I can see.