Posts

Contradictions vs. Complexity

-
Image
I am humble and confident. I am sensitive and aggressive. I am educated and wild. I am peaceful and chaotic. I am an introvert and love to be seen. I am ocd level organized and spontaneous. I am rational and deeply intuitive. I am controlling and freely creative. I am shy and loud. I am meticulous and silly. I am strict and forgiving. I am, as any Leo, always right and do things that are wrong. I am a creature of habit and get easily bored. I am extremely impulsive and overthink. I am bold and anxious. I am rigid and free. I am very motherly and distant. I am silent and opinionated. I am independent and clingy. I am an empath and brutally honest. I am funny and sarcastic. I am loving and firm with my boundaries. I am sad and euphoric. I am soft and fierce. There was a time when I felt my body get tight with the burden of having to choose a certain identity and lifestyle. Each time this still happens I tell my inner critic: thanks, I got this. The inner child that holds shame got confus...
Post a Comment
Read more
-
Image
  I got all this life in my backyard. The trees that grow incredibly fast. This spreading green everywhere. The cats that pop out of nowhere and have these intense battles with each other. Hiding and then attacking like the mf that they are. Climbing the trees for safety from the enemy. Bringing alieveness through their strategically designed kitty wars. Resting in the sun while almost having this serious and important role of showing us the essential things in life. Small insects and tiny animals. Brave survivors of the kitty mouths. I got some big rocks. You should see how beautiful they are. They play their role with grace. The nurturing sun that fuels us with life. I get to meet him here. This willow with her superhero moves of growing in 3 years in such a way that she became the tallest of them all. Showing how progress is such a personal thing. Oh, those tall and noble bamboo trees surrounding the house. Providing this gentle armour. Tiny plants creating their own forests in ...
Post a Comment
Read more
-
Image
  What the Hell is this new Way? Becoming your Savior. With the mumbling that awakens with enemy at the gates. You feel the children awaken. The pot is definitely on fire. It could burn the house down. It could burn the whole damn country. If it could stop there. It’s not scary at all. It’s just a fact. Someone attacking my family. Hey, might be game time. Nothing is above my inner children. Not one thing. God only and even he becomes a team player. Now it’s game time. You hear them say: “But Mommy should protect us.” New Mommy in town. And Daddy. Divinity itself. They immediately trust. Even giggle about how good it feels. To be nurtured like that. To be wholly loved. That’s just Holy love. They just know. It just is. The promised land.
Post a Comment
Read more

Today I held my first group therapy session

-
Image
  It comes more naturally to me to write from feeling pure sadness, confusion and all those twisted uncomfortable emotions. They just make sense, my inner parts find them familiar. Natural means familiar. Simple concept. But today was about something else. I think it's joy and fulfillment. Some call it being in alignment. Translating this here is definitely tricky. What I know is that if I listened to my mind I would have never led a group in my life. Because of so many reasons. And not even very complex ones, mostly fear of being seen, need of validation, fear of judgment. The usual mess that our minds so effectively deliver. To keep us safe. Thank you mind. What's next? But there was a time that I worked in groups while I studied psychodrama. Through all of the discomfort of an introverted person I could feel there was something precious there. A type of energy only groups could create. A force of nature. Beyond any logic or explanation. It held you and transformed you. Group...
Post a Comment
Read more
-
Image
"It came to me in a dream." A regular statement in my life. "This just feels right." Shows up even more often. I get so much guidance lately. A while ago, I committed to listening. Lean into life. Relax into the Self. Obey the Truth. A form of surrender. It's so bumpy for the mind. Sometimes I feel it scream, objecting so strongly, with all the old reasons. Sometimes I feel parts of me want to cry while witnessing the things I decide to follow. They squeeze my eyes and press my chest. Yet the body doesn't obey so easily anymore. He is also learning to trust. Shedding old identities while nurturing my inner parts feels like a dance. The best performance I ever gave.
Post a Comment
Read more

The In between

-
Image
It's still hard for me to stay in the in between. Where I feel that nothing happens. Yet nothing stands still at all. If I tune in I sense the shifting and movement that never stops. The guidance, the pull, the knowing. Yet parts of me want to see the cake on the platter. And eat it too. No baking needed. No time to spare. No energy to waste. What if we run out? Of everything. The mindset of scarcity creeps in so easily in the in between. That old voice that's so familiar yet just doesn't feel right. We have one that's older. The clear, strong one. Now I have this dance of tunning in again and again. And the pull is getting stronger and stronger.
Post a Comment
Read more

Parents have their own stories

-
Image
       Parents are just people with imperfect childhoods.     I’ve seen parents being dissected in therapy so many times. We try to understand the roots of our own unhealthy behavior so we return to the environment that shaped us. We usually find there 2 people who did a lot of mistakes through their behavior or their absence. While this is an important step in the healing journey, I think there are many benefits in seeing parents as they truly are: imperfect people.     While looking at trauma is natural to explore the nature and source of that said trauma. Often, it’s the parents. Their lack of love, nurture, care and even abuse. Yet this goes further back, it stems from their own history.   Not being able to see this brings us a lot of suffering, anger, guilt.    It’s such a huge relief to understand that they do have a history that shaped them. It’s that understanding that releases a lot of guilt that any child carries o...
Post a Comment
Read more